Towards (Against) Anxiety

I.
Who am I to have a body? And what else? I have a body, and want always then, the bodies of others. To gather up the surrounds me, any little bit, into a body. What violence is this? What violence in giving anything a name? To say any sort of thing with the expectation of truth? I took a photograph of myself in the reflection of a shop window late in a Sunday afternoon, the sun, who knows how, bending light? I am there too is the point. What’s the greatest violence you’ve ever imagined for yourself? What it is it then to never have imagined any violence against myself? My sleep takes my teeth from me, and then I wake, toothed, and this is the only violence.

II.
I imagine that one day I’ll be someone else’s fiction. That maybe this excuses my violence. A story won’t carry my body away, wrapped in white linens and so pale faced. It won’t carry my body back anyhow, that’s what I mean to say. It will hold my violences indiscreetly, like someone might hold an umbrella above their head. In ways I could never have managed, opened wide, everything falling all at once.

III.
I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you. I am going to write you.

IV.
Dear you,

Whose violence was I?

Sincerely,
Ryan
[the sucking thud of a refrigerator (which you didn’t hear opened) closing]

p.s. Tell me just my own

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